Yet another weekend of burying myself under the pillows, reciting positive quotes and telling myself to get my ass off the bed and stand on my feet again.
This is why I never believe in reading self-help books like Chicken Soup. Total waste of time. It depends on one's willpower to stand up again. Right now, if there is a scale for measuring willpower, I am more than certain that mine is right at the bottom.

I came close to death twice yesterday, almost got hit by 2 cars.
No, I was not contemplating on suicide, it is a sin and I do not have the guts.
I set my foot out when the green man came on at the pedestrian crossing and a car dashed past, a mere few inches in front of me. An hour and a half later, I was dragging my feet in the middle of the zebra crossing when a Lexus sped past right in front of me. The driver did not attempt to slow down at the turn.
I have never been so calm after almost being hit by cars. Either I am too zapped or I am just tired of living. I even secretly wished for an instant death, it could put all my problems to an end and then cause my family's world to collapse.

I have not lost faith in Him, I am still praying hard every night for strength and patience and that this chalice may be taken away from me, but I am tired, tired of hanging on and fighting. The spirit is willing but the flesh is weak. I do not know how I can turn the situations and make things better already. All I can do is just wait (for my medical appointments then tests) and wait (for class placement review) and wait (for management to handle the parent) and in the mean time, just wallow in my sorrows.
Worrying is like sitting on a rocking chair; it gives you something to do but it does not get you anywhere.
I cannot remember how is it like to feel normal, to have fun and when was the last time I do not feel tired.