This has gotta be the most free weekend I ever had (Paperwork-free. Okay, not exactly since I actually finished the only set of paperwork I had on Friday when I was on medical leave). Never before had I contemplated so much on taking the day off from work and never before has a doctor literally begged me to rest at home (his exact words: "please la, I beg you to rest at home). I was almost in tears when I took my bag in and out of my room, wondering if I should stay home and rest or just head off to work. I only had a student for that day but I had to guide my new co-teacher who is a newbie. Physically, I was fit to go to work, but mentally and emotionally, I was unable to digest what the doctor had asked me and knew I would be unable to focus at work. Well, I'd rather break down at home than to do so at work. I decided to stay at home and imagine the worst of my nose and my plight at work.

It has been a long time since I had a weekend which I didn't have work to do, so free that I could not believe it and started wondering if I had forgotten to do something. JOB HAZARD.

Despite being free, it has gotta be the most miserable-feeling weekend. I did nothing but worry and sob over a can't-get-any-worse-caregiver and my failing health.
No caregiver has ever put me down this much, it is an ultimate personal attack and I feel really demoralized. I no longer have the drive or motivation to strive and give my best to the child, but I know the child is innocent. I tried my best to put myself in the caregiver's position, but I still could not believe how mean one could get; venting out his frustrations and exercising verbal abuse on others. I really wish to respect him, but he has gotta earn it, by showing people some respect too.
When I thought I had already faced the most challenging parent, here comes the ultimate one. Everyone envies me for having all the cute little ones. Little did they realise, good things come with a price. I don't know how much patience I have, how much tolerant I can get and when I would snap at him. Right now, I am just trying my best to maintain professionalism despite the little support I am getting from the management.

I AM TIRED, physically, mentally and emotionally. I am not young anymore and my body tells me so. Age is indeed just a number, but my health is disagreeing. From suffering from prolonged cough to having piles to my leg swelling for no apparent reason to my nasal issues.

I am afraid of getting cancer, really. Who isn't right?
I am not afraid to die. Honestly, I don't mind dying in my sleep or an instant death but suicide is the greatest sin of all and I don't have the courage to commit it. I am just afraid of pain.
What I am afraid about getting cancer is going through chemotherapy and having tubes and needles stuck into my body. My loved ones went through all these, I could not feel the pain but I could see it and I knew it was unbearable, physically and mentally.
I am afraid of putting my family in pain too. They would have to suffer with me too should I get diagnosed, I will be a financial and emotional burden.

Before I went to Dr Wong, I already had a passing thought on something seriously wrong with my nose. I just wasn't prepared to hear him asking me if my family has a history of nose cancer.
Ah Gong had throat cancer,
Ah Ma had nose cancer,
Uncle Phi had stomach cancer,
Lao Gu had cancer too.

Dad's family has a history of cancer and diabetes.
Mum's family has a history of chronic illness.
There is no escape from health issues. People never understood my sudden change of diet; they laughed at me for eating grass and found it unbelievable that my body fat level is at obesity just because my build is small.
So what now? Abstinence or indulge since life is gonna be short.

Which is worse? Dealing with the meanest caregiver and dreading to go to work to face him or getting cancer? I cried myself to sleep every night, forcing myself to think of happy thoughts, be thankful and think of what I am going to do tomorrow should I still live. I can't do it, I just can't stop worrying. Every morning I wake up, first thing I do is touch my nose. To make sure it is does not hurt and then I check the mirror to make sure that there isn't any swell or wound. I hope the pain does not come back, I really don't want to go to the ENT and I am not ready to hear the bad news.